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After sitting still for around four minutes, I rip off my bikini bottoms quickly, like I'm about to pee behind a tree. I wade into the actual water, a turquoise sea that is partitioned off so people from nearby resorts can't make marathon snorkeling treks over to gawk.
It's a kind of peace and relief I didn't know I could feel.
My deck also offers a private hot tub, and I'm sitting in the bubbling water alone watching the sunset with a champagne flute when a muscular man and his penis walk by.
A mirror on the ceiling captures me sleeping alone. Like a wuss, I start the vacation proper by reading in a hammock on the prude side.
My room is on the nude end, with a little deck that lets out onto the sand and the Caribbean sea, which means that my view will include the unadorned masses.